Pomp and Circumstance... The Dazzler's Journal

[RazzleDazzle]

Saturday, Mar. 27, 2004
Song Journal

This song is dedicated to:

Lorna and Piotr: who showed me that love is worth fighting for.
Longshot: who proved to me that love can transcend even dimensions.
and Anthony: who inspired me in the first place.

Love is a Battlefield

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
...love is a battlefield...

We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong
Searching our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
...love is a battlefield...

You're begging me to go, you're making me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad?
It would help me to know, do I stand in your way
Or am I the best thing you've had?

Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love...and I'm chained to your side...

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
...love is a battlefield...

We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
...love is a battlefield...

We're losing control, will you turn me away
Or touch me deep inside?
And if all this gets old, will it still feel the same?
There's no way this will die...

But if we get much closer, I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders...you'll need me to hold...

We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
...love is a battlefield...

We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long, both of us knowing
...love is a battlefield...

...love is a battlefield...

--------------------------------------------------------------

OOC Note: Obviously again, I did not write this. Written by: Mike Chapman & Holly Knight and sung by: Pat Benatar

[RazzleDazzle]

Tuesday, April 6, 2004

6:32 pm. You'll never guess who just called me up, out of the blue! Johnny Storm asked if I wanted to go and hang out for the evening. I ran into him again yesterday in the City. I was v. surprised to see him on the streets...I hadn't seen him in ages and ages. He looked really good. A little more like an Old Navy ad than I remember, but good nonetheless. I'm glad he called me, I've always had fun with Johnny, no matter what we did. It'll be nice to have a friend outside of the X-Men again.

6:59 pm. Johnny and I are going shopping, which is good because I think his wardrobe is in dire need of some "maturing." He looks like a walking, real life, magazine ad for Abercrombie and Fitch. Down to the flip-flops.

7:01 pm. Oh, god. Flip-flops.

[RazzleDazzle]

Saturday, April 10, 2004

11:42 pm. I'm downstairs, at the pool. Longshot is upstairs, supposedly changing into something appropriate to wear in the hot tub. He says he wants to see the "magic" for himself. I only hope that he means the bubbles, and not the other kind of magic that seems to happen when I am in the hot tub. I'm not sure if I can fend off his advances tonight, should he try to make any. Isn't it sad that one has to actually fend off advances from one's husband (even estranged)? But having Longshot here is so...awkward and strange...already, that I'm afraid it will only make it moreso if I do succumb to how I feel whenever I am around him. And so, if I can only keep him at bay physically...maybe we'll be able to work things out emotionally.

11:51 pm. See? It's fine. Longshot is sufficiently amused by the bubbles and the other kind of "magic" is far from his mi--

[RazzleDazzle]

Sunday, April 11, 2004

5:17 am. Oh no. Oh no, Oh no, oh no. I think I may have overreacted last night. Shot tried pulling me to his lap, I felt a gentle kiss against the back of my neck. And I freaked. I guess I was still thinking about trying to keep him physically at a distance, and when he pulled me close...about a million different feelings surged through my body. Part of me wanted to stay right there, in his arms, for forever. But, I can't. I didn't. I bolted from the hot tub so fast...I'm sure his mind is still spinning.

That's when we began to argue. Ahh, the arguing. This I remember well. And the more we "talked," the more confused everything got. We're never going to resolve anything this way. He claims that he still loves me, that he'd do anything to win me back. But he doesn't understand. How can I even let him try? Doesn't he know that I can see how he tries to hide the pain in his eyes every time he looks at me? All that hurt...I put that there. I did that to him.

Does he honestly expect me to be able to look into those eyes, ridden with pain, and not think twice about forming any sort of relationship with him again? How could I subject him to that?

I love Longshot, and there was a time that I could not imagine my life without him in it. Even now, it takes my breath away sometimes. But even if I love him, I am only going to hurt him, so how can I be with him then? How do I condemn him to live with that kind of anguish, even if he is my....soulmate.

Sigh.

[RazzleDazzle]

Friday, April 16, 2004

After classes.

Longshot and...Rogue. Yeah, Rogue. There's a rumor going around that they were seen last night, being very.................intimate. I guess I shouldn't be surprised ~ she always did have some sort of thing for him, even after we were together.

But, I guess that I am surprised. Completely shocked is more accurate. How could he do this to me? Especially after the other night, with his proclamations of love, his assurances that we could make it work, his pleas to give us another chance. Did he mean any of it? Has he meant anything he's said to me since coming back?

There aren't words to explain how I feel right now. after everything Shot and I have been though; the good times, the bad times, the baby..........and he turns to her the moment my back is turned like all of that was nothing? I know I haven't been the perfect angel in all of this. I know that I've made some bad choices myself. But he came back to ME, supposedly. He came back because he wanted us to try to work things out and try again. Did he come back for me at all? Or did he just come back for the first person that would welcome him with open arms...and open legs?

Longshot and Rogue. I guess now I know how she felt when she saw remy and Rachel together. It definitely isn't a pleasant feeling when someone steals the one person you love more than anything right out from under your nose.

[RazzleDazzle]

Saturday, April 17, 2004

"We are living in a material world...and I am a Material Girl...
Yes, we are living in a material world...and I am a Material Girl!"

--Madonna

5:05 pm. Tonight...I have a date! A real date; with someone completely unassociated with the school, the X-Men, or saving the world in general. Am v. excited, as have not been on a date with anyone who was not associated to the X-Men in some fashion since... forever, it seems. What will we talk about? Must take a few minutes to catch up on current events, by reading New York Times, Daily Bugle, or similar.

5:15 pm. Hmmm. Cannot find NYTimes anywhere. Will settle for this month's Cosmopolitan. They surely have a current event article I can talk about during dinner.

5:37 pm. Very nice summer fashions this year. Should really buy a pair of slippy sandals.

5:41 pm. Right. Will start getting ready, as date will be here in two and a half hours. I hate this about dating. Suddenly, you must be always immaculately groomed, as if date were not date at all, but instead some manner of competition, like dog show or similar. And for some reason, I feel compelled to spend hours making self up, as if everyday look were no longer good enough. I mean, he asked me out already, didn't he? He must have liked something about the way I looked, or he would not have bothered.

5:43 pm. And another thing. It is v. unfair that girls spend hours in pre-date preparations. Guys probably spend less that fifteen minutes getting ready - enough time to throw on some different clothes, slap on some cologne - and voila! We're expected to swoon the moment they show at the door. But not girls. I've already spent most of the week getting ready. I've had a manicure and pedicure, waxed my eyebrows and bikini line, got my hair trimmed and styled. And now, I am prepared to spend almost three hours showering and dressing. I bet girls spend more time getting ready for the date than they actually spend ON the date.

6:01 pm. Is starting to get late. Must choose something to wear, but what? Cannot decide, as have no idea what date will entail. Hate this as well. Sure, is nice to be surprised on date, i.e. which restaurant we will be going to for dinner. But how can I choose something to wear if I don't even know what we are doing tonight?

6:09 pm. Ooohh. Maybe can wear new Donald J. Pliner boots. Although, current skirt does not go with crepe boots.

6:10 pm. Will just change skirt.

6:11 pm. And top.

6:14 pm. Where is Ralph Lauren pink blouse? It is the top I always wear with this skirt. Never mind, is getting late. Will just wear different top.

6:27 pm. Have found Ralph Lauren top, shoved inexplicably in with make-up and nail polish in top drawer of vanity, along with a pair of nylons, a packet of airline peanuts, and a 1999 bus pass.

6:29 pm. It's wrinkled tho. Have tried pulling wrinkles out, but have only stretched it. It's ok, because the rumpled look is in, right?

6:52 pm. There! Am completely dressed now, w/ loads of time to spare. Perhaps will just sit for a moment and finish looking at Cosmo, for styling ideas.

7:04 pm. Hmm. Do not think that red underwear is such a good idea w/pink top. Perhaps should change underwear. Cannot change top, obviously, as would be too simple, plus a waste after all that time spent looking for it.

7:05 pm. Changing. Will not take more than a minute, surely.

7:07 pm. GAAAAAAAH!! Why is there chocolate all over my panties??

7:11 pm. Must...calm...down.

7:12 pm. Ohmygod, it's everywhere!

7:15 pm. In retrospect, do not think was such a great idea to hide left over Easter candy in underwear drawer. But, really did not want Piotr to find it and throw it out. However, someone has found it, and eaten it. And judging by the chocolately fingerprints all over panties, it was Bobby Drake. Will kill him. Do not care if it is wrong to kill someone just because they like eating chocolate while looking at your underwear. He's left fingerprints on every pair of undies I own. Except that, miraculously, only pair of white granny-style panties. Cannot go on date wearing granny panties. What if he sees them?

7:21 pm. Right. Will just sit down a minute and calm self. Is okay, have plenty of time. Will just flip through Cosmo again, as surely it has some sort of miracle advice.

7:30 pm. Cosmo has failed me. Will have to wear granny panties on date, and when date sees them, will be so mortified that will never ask me out again. Am doomed to be love pariah, and die alone. Must remember to thank Bobby later for downfall of lovelife.

7:35 pm. Oh! Although...possibly could watch panties out and blow dry. Surely cannot take too long, as there is not alot of actual material in thongs. Then, will have plenty of time to get re-dressed, do make-up, fix hair.

7:47 pm. Chocolate is out, but it is taking longer than expected to dry them. However, can't wait any longer. Really, it's okay. They are almost completely dry.

7:59 pm. Crap. Crappity Crap. His car just pulled up the drive, and hair looks like wild frizz ball, in manner of Kerri Russell, Elizabeth Berkley, or similar. Will just try some hairspray.

8:07 pm. Oh god, I hope he waits in the car. Cannot imagine what would happen if he came in and met Kurt....or worse, Longshot. Must hurry, as cannot allow estranged husband to be left alone with date. V. nongood situation.

8:15 pm. Finally. Am ready now. Cannot believe it has taken 3 hours and 10 minutes to get dressed and fix hair. And all I have to show for efforts is wrinkled Ralph Lauren blouse, damp panties, and shellacked hair.

[RazzleDazzle]

Sunday, April 18, 2004

I've felt this love...I've felt this pain...I've felt this heartache too.
Something Strange called love is happening to me.

--Boy George

11:47 am. Ugh. Surely it is not natural for the sun to be that bright so early in the day. Need coffee. Really hope that someone has made coffee. And breakfast.

12:17 pm. Oh, goody. Breakfast. Have had shower and gotten dressed (kinda, in bathrobe!) and am having very much needed coffee, along with chocolate croissant (nonfat, diet-type chocolate of course, Piotr!), and brain is starting to function. Feel slightly embarassed though, as obviously everyone else has been up for hours, and I am only starting the day. But, it's okay, because did not get home from date until 5 am (!!!)

Speaking of which, date was very nice. Stephen Strange is Pierce Brosnan dreamboat lookalike. Even after a v. unromantic start (damp underwear, plus was not picked up by Stephen himself, but by Wong, silent manservant type), the evening turned out very enjoyable. Was rather mystified to Stephen's whereabouts when was picked up, but ManServant remained quite uncommunicative for ride into City. Was surprised when we pulle dup to an abandoned building - an old theater that was no longer in use. At first, I thought it was a mistake, but was wrong because Stephen met me at the entrance and ushered me inside.

The inside was gorgeous. It was almost like stepping back in time. Stephen and I started talking about old showbiz, and suddenly...I got this sinking feeling that he was going to ask me to sing for him. Which he did. I felt slightly uncomfortable because ... well, it's a very private, intimate thing ... and this was ony our first date! But, somehow, I managed to convince him that eating Chinese take-out on the stage would be a better way to spend the evening.

And it was. Stephen and I get along great. The only problem is ... well, he's not just an average Joe. Apparently, he's a Sorcerer Supreme, whatever that means. All I know is that it means he's not as completely unassociated with the superhero biz as I previously thought. Not that it really matters. In fact, despite all my misgivings, it might actually be a plus! At least I wouldn't have to hide my mutancy from him. Or my affiliation with the X-Men.

We were supposed to go out for cheesecake after our "picnic," but I was so tired, I asked him for a raincheck. I hope he calls.

I really hope he calls.

5:25 pm. Ooh, package has just arrived for me. Am getting ready to take Ruin on a tour of the grounds, but will just sneak inside and see what it is.

5:31 pm. It's cheesecake, from Stephen! And there's a note. It says that he enjoyed our evening, and since we didn't get to have dessert, he is sending some over. And by the time I finish reading this, he should be here.

5:32 pm. Now, what does THAT mea...AHHHH!!

5:40 pm. Heh. Is Stephen. What he meant was, by the time I was finished reading his note, he would appear in the middle of the hall and scare the life out of me. At least he sent cheesecake.

Later. I spent the rest of the evening, touring the grounds with Stephen, Innocence, and Ruin. We didn't get to see alot - just the gardens and Devil's Rock. Oooh, Devil's Rock. I just know that Ruin is going to try to climb that rock one day.

[RazzleDazzle]

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

What is this strange obsession
That's tearing me apart ?
Some strange, deranged expression...

[/b][/center]

--David Hasselhoff

5:05 pm. It's been two days. And no calls. I mean, I've had calls, but not from Stephen Strange. Maybe he's just busy.

5:07 pm.Right. Not going to think about it anymore. Will watch HSN for a while.

5:27 pm. I really need a pair of slippy sandals this summer. Everyone has them.

5:32 pm. You know, you would think that even if he was too busy to go out again, he could at least call to let me down gently.

[RazzleDazzle]

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Words cannot even begin to describe what has happened Ruin is dead and I killed him I may not have pulled the trigger but I was the reason he died I gave him that serum I knocked his powers out if only he had them he would still be alive today but I took them from him and forfeited his life It should have been me I wish it was me How can I face them how can I?

I wish it were me I wish I were the one bleeding to death on the rooftop racked with pain struggling to breathe I wish it were me but it wasn't it was him.

He said his name was Marshal.

[RazzleDazzle]

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

I haven't really slept in days. Every time I close my eyes, I can still see him...the monster he had become. But then, I can see the man he once was behind all the scary looks and snarling. And each time, it breaks my heart.

He was so young...and so full of life. And even though he was here, in the past, so far away from everything he knew and loved, he made the best of it. Better than that, even. He seemed to enjoy himself, regardless of what life had dealt him.

I...I can't even think about it. This is easily the worst thing that I've ever had to bear. And I have to bear it alone. I can't face anyone else, not yet, maybe not ever. I watched from the window in my room as they buried Marshal. I'm weak, a coward hiding in my room.

I could learn alot from Ruin.
We all could.

[RazzleDazzle]

Saturday, May 29, 2004

Today, I made myself get up and take a shower. Then, I went to visit Marshal's grave. It was really therapeutic for me. I didn't think that I would be able to go, I thought that I would chicken out. But I at least owed him that much.

No, I owe him much more. They chose a really nice place for his grave. It's on the edge of the gardens, with Devil Rock overlooking it. I wonder if that was a coincidence?

I'm starting to feel much better. Actually, I'm just starting to feel again. Everything was so...numb inside. At least now, I can feel. It hurts, but at least it's something.

[RazzleDazzle]

Sunday, May 30, 2004

[/right]10:42 pm EST. On board the Blackbird. We're on our way to Egypt. Apparently, our power changes has something to do with an ancient magical weapon designed to... well, I'm not sure what exactly. We didn't exactly get debriefed before we left for this trip, but Logan says that HYDRA is involved. So, here we are, flying over the biggest beach I've ever seen (and no salt water! It's bad for your hair!), on our way t--OMF!

Oh no! They've hit the Blackbird. We're going to crash...we're going to die!

[RazzleDazzle]

Alison D. Blaire

Last Will and Testament

I, Alison "Dazzler" Blaire, being of sound mind and body, to hereby make and declare this to be my last will and testament, hereby revoking all wills heretofore made by me.

Item I: Clothes, Shoes, and Accessories
I hereby expressly authorize all apparel, shoes, and accessories to be equally divided amongst the following people: Lorna Dane, Rachel Summers, Elysia Blackthorn, Katherine Pryde, Marina Terrace, and May Parker, with the following exception: undergarments.

Excluding the undergarments on my person (if any) at the time of my death, all panties, thongs, and the like shall revert to sole ownership by Robert Kennedy Drake. This is noncontestable.

Item II: Personal Property
I anticipate that included as part of my property and estate at the time of my death will be tangible personal properties of various kinds, characters, and values. I
hereby decree that my Executor shall retain complete freedom and discretion regarding the disposal of any and all such properties, with the following exceptions:

a. Keyboards and Musical Equipment.
All keyboards, recording equipment, and musical devices shall be heretofore granted possession to Innocence Ruszicka, with the hopes that she will use her natural, innate talent to make good use of them.

b. HSN/QVC Stock
If I should still retain ownership of any shares of stock in HSN or QVC, they shall hereby be transferred to Lorna Dane's ownership, in the hopes that she will keep buying enough merchandise from the beforementioned shopping channels to keep the Mansion's decor and kitchen gadgets updated accordingly.

c. Secret Cheesecake Stash
Any and all remained cheesecakes left in my possession at the time of my demise shall revert to the ownership of Piotr Nikolaievitch Rasputin, with the hopes that he will one day learn the value of a vice.

d. Rollerskates
Any and all pairs of rollerskates shall revert to the ownership of Katherine Pryde, with the following exceptions:
Rhinestone Skates: The pair of rhinestone studded "concert" skates shall heretofore be given to Lorna Dane, should she ever learn to rollerskate.
Combat Skates: The pair of rollerskates that are a part of my X-uniform shall become the property of Charles Francis Xavier, to keep on display, along with my uniform, in memoriam.

e. Music collection
To Kurt Wagner, I leave my entire collection of autographed albums, featuring namely me, but also including other artists, such as David Hasselhoff.

Item III: Real Estate
If I still retain possession of any real estate at the time of my death, such as the penthouse off Fifth Avenue, shall be heretofore named as The Retreat from The Mansion, as it served me well through the years to regain my sanity after the hectic going-ons of the Mansion zapped it all, to be used by any and all X-Men and students needing a vacation.

IN TESTIMONY WHEREOF I have to this my Last Will and Testament written upon this and the preceding pages of paper, subscribed my name this 30th day of May, A.D. 2004.

[RazzleDazzle]

Saturday, July 3, 197something
Retro-Journal

Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin',
and we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive

-The BeeGees

Earlier. I just met the grooviest guy! He was swinging from some sort of rope across the street and smashed into a building. And the craziest thing is that he was ok! A bit dazed, but that cat wasn't even scratched. His name is Peter Parker and he's some far out performer or something. Speaking of performances, I'm late for my rehearsal. So, I gave Peter Parker two tickets to the show -- I hope he shows, if he can do crazy stunts like that, maybe he'd like to join the program!

Later. Can you believe it? Some fag hag in a Halloween costume wrecked my show! Now everything is ruined...and all the exits are blocked or something. Thank god for...well, I don't know his name, but he saved me when the Halloween freak tried to blow me. It's...like a freak show here tonight. He's blue and has a tail, and he does the oddest thing. One minute he's right in front of you, and the next, he's over there somewhere. He smells a bit odd too, but I'm not going to TELL him that. This Blue One and another one that shoots ropes from his hands are trying to get the Halloween Ghoul to go away. Maybe the night can still be saved......AHHHHH!

Slightly Later. No, definitely can't salvage the night now. There's like this HUGE green monster outside, wrecking buildings and stomping on them. What has gone WRONG with New York? I just want to go back to Hollywood, where the crazies are SANE. I have to go help. I can't just book, can I? I know that my...special powers...can help. But, can I risk it?

Afterwards. I'm sitting in the waiting room of a local hospital. The evening was so...outta sight! That Halloween ghoul disappeared without a trace, and the best part was that I got to take down that big green monster. He was one jive turkey. In the end, we had to push him into the bay and drown him.

Then, can you believe it? The web-slinging barney was Peter Parker! I had just sent his girlfriend off to this hospital because she was having a baby. So, I hustled him off to the hospital to be with her, and now Nightcrawler (the blue guy) and I are just waiting to make sure she's okay.

She had a baby girl, who they named May ALISON Parker. Can you dig it? They named her after me, that is so solid! Psychedelic, man!

[RazzleDazzle]

Monday, July 19, 2004

Everybody's wondering what and where they all came from
Everybody's worrying 'bout where they're gonna go
When the whole thing's done
Nobody knows for certain,
And so it's all the same to me
I think i'll just let the mystery be.

-10,000 Maniacs

11:47 pm. Gah! Alex just teleported into the main hall, RIGHT in front of me. Teleporters, honestly. Someone should do something about that. They shouldn't be allowed to just appear in front of whoever they want, scaring me....er PEOPLE...silly. They should have a warning horn or something to blow. Right, I'm going to mention that to Kitty, or Forge, or some other ingenius technical person. Alex is just lucky I have such good reflexes, or his nice shirt would now be sporting red wine stains.

12:21 am. Wow, how did I get so many clothes? This is going to make finding those jogging outfits rather difficult. I know they are in here somewhere. I distinctly remember buying them, back when I was jogging every morning. Or, rather, when I was GOING to go jogging every morning. Hmmm, actually, now that I think about it... they were on sale, I remember, and they were just so cute I couldn't decide which one to buy. So I, erm, bought all three designs. I mean, I should really start jogging more, and they were such a great price...it was more like an investment! Except that I haven't really stuck with jogging every morning. I think I got up a total of three times, and only actually made it out the door once. Well, good thing Hannah came along, at least SOMEONE can use them.

12:49 am. Oh! Now that I've seen them again, I remember! They're absolutely darling! I really should go jogging more often, maybe I'll keep a set for myself. No no, I'm giving them to Hannah. She really needs clothes. Plus, now that I am determined to start jogging again, I can just pop out to the shops and pick up a new outfit. Maybe Hannah and I could go jogging in the mornings together! It'll be the start of a whole new Alison, and I'll have the cutest jogging outfit, and people will call me The Girl who Jogs. Honestly, I can't even remember why I stopped in the first place.

12:51 am. I wonder what else is hiding at the back of my closet?

1:14 am. EWWW! Why on earth would I buy these zebra print capris? I mean, zebra print? That totally went out ages ago. And this hideous tropical toucan print dress? These can't possibly be MY clothes. Well, good thing Hannah apparently has very little fashion sense. I'll just give these to her, along with those jogging outfits. The sooner I get them out of my sight, the better.

1:17 am. But, it's all very mysterious. Surely I would never buy anything like that toucan print dress. It's almost as if someone else was storing their clothes in MY closet. But who?

1:32 am. Lorna! It has to be Lorna. She's the only one with access to my closet. Although, I rather thought she had better fashion sense. Well, obviously she bought that dress in a moment of weakness. Then, upon arriving home, she thankfully regained her keen fashion sense and regretted her rash purchases. Right. And, also obviously, she couldn't hide them in HER closet. I mean, what if there was a raid or something and they were found? Her reputation would completely be ruined! It makes perfect sense that she would go to such extreme measures, hiding them in the depths of my closet, buried behind last season's winter clothes, hidden from view in one of my old garment bags. Of course! Poor Lorna, she's so young sometimes.

1:41 am. Although....harumph! I mean, she IS supposed to be my best friend and all. What if there WAS a raid and those things were found in MY closet? Then my reputation would be destroyed. Falsely, I might add! Grrrr. Right, then.

[RazzleDazzle]

Sunday, Sept. 19, 2004

3:07 pm. Alex and I just got in from the lake. Remind me to never go camping again. It was a nightmare! There were bugs everywhere -- in the food, in the tent, in my hair. And I swear I saw a giant lake turtle lurking just offshore, waiting for us to go swimming, hoping to make a nice meal of us.

But, bugs and giant turtles aside, it was nice to spend some time with Alex. We so rarely get to see each other, and when we do manage to grab a few moments alone together, it is invariably interrupted by the sudden appearance of a transdimensional child, an evil madman on the rampage, Jamie snickering at us. So, I was surprised that we actually managed a few hours off to ourselves.

I'm soooooo sleepy though. A damp ground riddled with rocks is NOT conducive to a good's night rest. Maybe I'll just take a.....little.....nap.....

5:24 pm. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ohmygod. I just had the worst nightmare. I woke up blasting light, and it shattered my closet door. I haven't done that for a really long time. It just seemed so realistic. My chest actually hurts from where he hit me. But it was just a dream...

5:37 pm. Except....I just got undressed to go and take a shower. And guess what I saw in the mirror? This huge, purplish-black bruise creeping across my chest like some sort of dark flower. I know that wasn't there before I went to sleep.

5:39 pm. Strange.

[RazzleDazzle]

Monday, Sept. 20, 2004

7:02 pm. I feel very strange. I'm so tired; I have been ever since Alex and I got back from the lake. Ever since that....nightmare. It's as if it zapped all my energy. I've never put much stock in dreams before. But this one... was just so real. Even now, I can still see his twisted face, feel his glowing red eyes burning into me. Maybe I am starting to lose my mind.

7:11 pm. But, if I am....where did the bruise come from?

[RazzleDazzle]

Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004

9:17 pm. Something is terribly wrong with me. Hank just dismissed it as a bug picked up from the lake, coupled with too much stress and not enough sleep. He released me from the infirmary; he needed the bed. There was an attack on the grounds. I saw one of the students as they brought her in. And....for a moment, I almost felt happy to see her like that. Oh god. I have to go and find Alex.

10:23 pm. I don't know what kind of medication I've been given, but it's awful. The grounds look like something you'd see in the movies. People laying every which way, med units running by under the floodlights. And destruction. Destruction everywhere. It's awful, I KNOW it's awful. But, the really scary part is that it almost feels like a party to me. A secret thrill went through me when I saw it -- the same kind of thrill as when I saw the injured girl. I must be seriously doped up on meds.

10:41 pm. But, I found Alex. He was hurt -- nothing life-threatening, thank god. Thank god. I came to find him, but he rescued me. With him, I feel normal again. Better than that - I feel safe. Safe from my dreams, safe from the Brood......safe from myself.

[RazzleDazzle]

Thursday, Sept. 23, 2004

Am I losing my mind? Everywhere I look, I see Ruin's twisted monster body coming for me. Around every corner, behind every door. He wants revenge. I killed him because he turned into a monster. And now I am turning into one. I can feel it inside...eating away at me, clamoring to get out. It's all I can think about. I can't eat, or sleep, or even think straight. Most of the time, I don't know where I am or remember how I got there. Last night, I found myself in Central Park, but I don't know how.....or why. I think I was....stalking something.

That's not the only time its happened either. Huge chunks of my days have gone missing. I try to remember, but I can't. Every time I close my eyes, there's a sudden flash of violent images. Claws...a tail...blood splattering everywhere. Glass shattering. Blasting light at something I can't see. And, more recently, Marcus Summers in the greenhouse. Marcus lying broken among a pile of gardening rubbish. I think.....I think I've killed Marcus. But I'm too scared to go upstairs and find out.

Oh god, what have I done?

[RazzleDazzle]

Friday, September 24,2004

*the page is blank, but lies torn to shreds, ripped apart by a claw mark*